Signs of Abuse

Measuring Violence Against Women

Violence against women has been recognized, at both the national and international levels, as a serious and ongoing impediment to gender equality and women’s human rights and fundamental freedoms (United Nations 1993). By understanding the various dimensions of this global problem through data collection and analysis, decision makers are better able to develop and evaluate measures designed to prevent and eliminate violence against women.

Top 10 Warning Signs

of Intimate Partner Violence

Warning Signs

1. Jealousy

One of the earliest warning signs of domestic abuse is jealousy.

If you are in a relationship where your significant other calls constantly, demands to know your whereabouts whenever you're not together, or accuses you of cheating - or worse, follows you, talk to a professional immediately.

4. Mood Swings

If you are in a relationship with someone who has uncontrollable mood swings, or is sweet one moment but rude and downright abrasive the next, this is an indication that abuse will follow - if it hasn't already started.

7. Controlling

If your significant other tries to control who you talk to or when you talk to them, this is a sign of other controlling behaviour, such as you having to ask permission to go out with a friend, etc.

10. Anger

Does your significant other punch walls, tables, call you names or try to instill fear in you? These are all signs that he will eventually be violent towards you.

2. Blame

If you are in a relationship where your significant other blames you for the way he feels, or if everything you say to your partner is interpreted in their eyes as a personal attack, this is a sign that your partner is looking for a fight and may eventually become violent during one of these altercations.

5. Rumours

If you have heard rumours that your new significant other has been abusive in his past, chances are - he was abusive.

He will almost always deny these accusations and claim that his past partner has falsely accused him of domestic abuse - however, rarely do women make up this kind of allegation.

8. Coerced into Sex

If your significant other coerces you into having sex with them when you do not want to, or if he becomes angry if you do not want to have sex - these are signs of an abusive relationship that could become violent.

3. Mistreatment of Animals or Children

Men who have abusive tendencies will mistreat animals or children. They are also usually unsympathetic towards others and ultimately, lack empathy.

They are disrespectful to you and to others - and their behaviour and attitude towards others gets worse over time.

6. Too Good to be True

If you enter into a relationship that seems too good to be true, it probably is.

If your new significant other wants to move in together, if things seem to be moving extremely fast, or if he talks about getting married right away, this is a warning sign that controlling behaviour may follow.

9. Isolation

If you're in a relationship where your partner tries to isolate you from the people who care about you, or tries to prevent you from going to work - this is a sign that you are in imminent danger.

Tell someone immediately.

The Cycle of Violence

Cycle of Violence

Tension Building

During this stage, the demands and stresses in the relationship increase. Risk factors that increase the possibility of domestic violence occurring include substance abuse, employment concerns, mental health issues, financial worries (poverty), pregnancy, etc. The tension building stage differs with each case. The length of this phase may be days or weeks or months. The dynamics of increasing tension vary, as does the severity of behaviour.

Aggressive Behaviour

There is an increase in aggressive behaviour, usually towards objects rather than a partner. For example, punching doors, throwing object, etc. The violence eventually moves from objects to partner, and there may be an increase in verbal abuse. The abuser appears moody and unpredictable.

Abuse Escalates

The abuser finds fault with seemingly minor events. The partner begins to alter his.her behaviour to stop the verbal abuse and/or the violence. For example, they may try keeping the house cleaner, the children quieter, staying home more often, etc. The verbal, emotional and/or physical abuse continues to escalate. The abuser may maintain tight sole control over finances and money. The partner may withdraw and feel responsible for the abuse.

Controlling Behaviour

The partner may withdraw and feel responsible for the abuse. The abuser may become obsessively jealous and try to control most of the partner's behaviour over where the partner will go, with whom, how she dresses, and forbid the partner to see certain people. The abuser may try to isolate the partner from family and friends. The abuser may tell the partner that if they loved him/her, they wouldn't need others.

During the tension building stage, the victim may feel:

that nothing they do is good enough for the abuser
feel like they are walking on eggshells
powerless to stop the next beating and/ or explosion
angry because the abuser doesn't trust them
angry because the abuser isn't keeping his past promises to get counselling
helpless
compliant and accepts blame

During the tension building stage, the abuser may:

feel like a non-person
be in denial that they are hurt, frustrated, disappointed, insecure, etc.
be caught between a rock and a hard place
feel powerless in their own home
believe that the victim should make them feel better
blame others for feeling miserable
use alcohol or drugs to reduce tension

The Cycle of Violence

The Cycle of Violence is a three stage repetitive pattern. As it repeats it typically speeds up through the stages, and becomes more violent. It is a difficult cycle to break because of the constant return to the making amends stage, which brings a renewed sense of hope.

Abuse Takes Place

In this stage, a feeling of release from the build-up of stress and tension in Stage 1 may be felt by both the abuser and/or the victim. The abuser makes choices about their violence. For example, they decide the time and place for an episode, decides what to say and how to say it, decides what part of the body to hit and in what way to hit (fist, open hand, shove, kick, etc). The abuser may destroy property, for example putting holes in the walls or tearing the phone out. The abuser may hurt pets, for example kicking or throwing them. During this stage the police may become involved.

Violent Episode

The violent episode includes physical, emotional and sexual abuse: threats, intimidation, yelling, name calling, blaming, hitting, pushing, shoving, kicking, pulling hair, throwing objects, hitting objects, rape, stabbing, etc. A crime under the Criminal Code of Canada has been committed.

Abuser Becomes Calm

As a result of the explosion, the abuser's pent-up stress and tension has been eliminated so they may appear calm and relaxed afterwards. Their partner will feel confused and very upset from the incident. The abusive behaviour becomes reinforced by the abuser's release of tension following their aggression.

During the abuse stage, the victim may:

feel terrified
blame themselves for the violence believing they said or did the wrong thing
feel ashamed, humiliated, embarrassed, degraded
be shocked and angry
be overwhelmed and frightened by the ongoing threat of violence
feel relieved the confrontation is occurring to get it over with
wonder if they are exaggerating the severity of the situation
fear for their children, either with what they have experienced, or what they have witnessed
try to defend themselves or try to flee
feel trapped in the situation
feel alone and may look for help
do whatever they feel they need to do to survive, or to protect themselves and their children
call in sick to work so people don't see their injuries
find ways to keep the abuse private

During the abuse stage, the abuser may:

feel out of control
blame the victim for the violence
want to control the victim
want to punish the victim or teach them a lesson
want to prove their control
use alcohol or drugs, then use it as an excuse for the violence
feel they have solved their problems
be unpredictable
be irrational and cannot be reasoned with
threaten the victim with hurting the children

Apologies, Excuses & Making Amends

This stage is characterized by a calm, non-violent, or loving period of time after an abusive episode. During this time the abuser may take some responsibility for their behaviour, thus giving their partner hope for change. The abuser may beg for forgiveness, they may promise not to do it again, promise to get help, etc. The abuser may act as if nothing has happened, which can contribute to the victim thinking they are over-reacting to the abuse. The abuser may give gifts, or be very attentive and caring.

During the making amends stage, the abuser seeks to draw the victim back into the relationship. Domestic violence is about power and control, and the abuser will continually use tactics designed to have power and control over their partner.

During the making amends stage, the victim may:

want to escape the abuse and never experience it again
consider or make plants to leave the relationship, but feels guilty and may be persuaded to 'try again'
want to believe their abusive partner's promises to change
feel depressed, feel helpless and trapped
feel overwhelmed at the complexities of trying to start a new life alone
keep the abuse a secret or minimize what happened if people question the relationship
feel ashamed and have a renewed sense of hope that the abuse will not happen again
believe their abusive partner's promises to change, and their statements of love
be reminded of the good qualities of their partner
arrange help for the abuser, such as counselling

During the making amends stage, the abuser may:

feel temporarily in control of themselves
feel shame a guilt
fear their own behaviour
be afraid that the victim with leave them
display loving and caring behaviour
act genuinely sorry
minimize the abuse
promise to never do it again
be afraid that the victim will involve the police or tell people what has happened
drink alcohol or use drugs to escape their feelings

Myths About Abuse

MYTH: Domestic violence is usually an isolated incident.

FACT: Violence is a pattern of behaviour that exists in some relationship and develops worse and more frequent over time.

MYTH: If women really wanted to leave a violent relationship, they would.

FACT: Abused women leaving their partners are faced with the reality of severe physical assault or even death. Abusers may isolate their partners, depriving them of jobs, educational opportunities while maintaining control. This combined with unequal opportunities for women make it difficult for a woman to leave.

MYTH: It's only sexual assault if physical violence or weapons are used.

FACT: The Criminal Code definition of sexual assault includes a number of acts ranging from unwanted sexual touching, to sexual violence resulting in wounding, maiming or endangering the life of the victim. Most sexual assaults are committed by a man known to the victim. The man is likely to use verbal pressure and tricks such as administering drugs without the victim's consent, and.or threats during an assault.

MYTH: Unless she is physically harmed, a sexual assault victim will not suffer any long-term effects.

FACT: Any sexual assault can have serious effects on women's health and well-being. A Canadian survey found that 9 out of 10 incidents of violence against women have an emotional effect on the victim. Women who have been sexually assaulted feel anger, fear and can become more cautious and less trusting. Women who have experienced a history of victimization are at high risk for developing a lifetime of mental health problems. It is estimated that 30% of sexually assaulted women contemplate suicide.

MYTH: Women cannot be sexually assaulted by their husbands or boyfriends

FACT: Under the law, women have the right to say no to any form of sex, even in a marriage or dating relationship. The Canadian Panel on Violence Against Women found that 38% of sexually assaulted women were assaulted by their husbands, common-law partners or boyfriends. Although sexual assault within relationships has been illegal in Canada since 1983, few women report such incidents to police. Women experience long-term negative effects of partner sexual assault. The traumatic consequences of the sexual assault may be even more significant than those of non-partner sexual assault.

MYTH: Sexual assault is not a common problem

FACT: Sexual assault is experienced by Canadian women everyday - at home, at work, at school and on the street. The Violence Against Women Survey found that over one half (51%) of Canadian women have experienced at least one incident of sexual assault or physical violence. Of those 51% of Canadian women, 60% were the target of more than one incident. Research has found that 40% of women with disabilities have been assaulted, raped or abused. Further, it is estimated that 83% of women with disabilities will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.

MYTH: The problem is not really violence against 'women.' Women are just as violent as men.

FACT: In about 90% of cases of domestic assaults, the man is the perpetrator. This may be uncomfortable, but it is true.

MYTH: Sexual assault is most often committed by strangers

FACT: Women face the greatest risk of sexual assault from men they know, not strangers. A 1998 study found that 33% of female victims of sexual assault age 18 and over were assaulted by a friend or a casual acquaintance; 25% by a family member (including a spouse or ex-spouse). When a woman knows the man who sexually assaults her, it is less likely that it will be recognized as a crime, even by her. These sexual assaults are no less a crime than those that are committed by strangers.

MYTH: The best way for a woman to protect herself from sexual assault is to avoid being alone at night in dark, deserted places such as alleys or parking lots.

FACT: 80% of sexual assaults occur in the home and 49% of sexual assaults occur in broad daylight. Most sexual assaults do not fit the 'stranger in a dark alley' stereotype. Currently, there is a trend towards non-consensual drug-induced sexual assaults.

MYTH: Women who are sexually assaulted 'ask for it' by the way they dress or act.

FACT: The idea that women 'ask for it' is often used by offenders to rationalize their behaviour. It also blames the victim for the crime, not the offender. Victims of sexual assault report a wide range of dress and actions at the time of the assault. Any woman of any age and physical type, in almost any situation, can be sexually assaulted. If a woman is sexually assaulted, it is not her fault. No woman ever 'asks' or deserves to be sexually assaulted. Whatever a woman wears, wherever she goes, whomever she talks to, 'no' means NO. It's the law. A drug-induced sexual assault is also non-consensual and therefore also means 'no'.

Myths About Abuse